Love life? What's that?
Wow.
Am I dreaming? Why does it seem too good to be true?
Is this finally my call? Is this finally my time? Is this a reward for me to be patient enough not to jump into any potential that I get to be with the one I admired?
God...Is this a dream?
If my heart is going to break again I'd rather not go deep into it.
If he's going to be a filthy jerk that will make me cry, I'd rather everything stops now. I truly, honestly, completely don't know what to expect, and what to think. To finally get the attention of someone I admired is something that is out of this world. Mind-blowing. Never happened before that I felt so confident and secure.
Maybe at one time, 6 years ago I thought it was going to be the time I find Mr Right.
There is a huge difference between then and now. Back in 2011, it was love. It was wanting him to love and be loved by him. It was full of poisonous daily interactions (even just in Twitter but it really meant a lot). It was ecstacy, when he dedicate a love song to me, plucking the guitar himself. I was drowned in love. Until one day he said he was still in love with his first love, he could never not love her and ask me to pray for their happiness. He wanted to marry her, so much. I was broken, I was tremendously heartbroken I never did trust anyone afterwards. But nonetheless, I did pray for their happiness. They got married in May this year.
But now, 2017, it was not that kind of love. It was not a drug that made me lost. It is admiration. I admire this man. So much I wanted to marry him. He emits powerful aura. And he knows what he did, he speak for things he felt right. I admire him for that. I looked up to him for his bravery. He assume responsibility when his group being treated unjustly. He is one of a kind. He is one in a million.
But I dare not
Am I dreaming? Why does it seem too good to be true?
Is this finally my call? Is this finally my time? Is this a reward for me to be patient enough not to jump into any potential that I get to be with the one I admired?
God...Is this a dream?
If my heart is going to break again I'd rather not go deep into it.
If he's going to be a filthy jerk that will make me cry, I'd rather everything stops now. I truly, honestly, completely don't know what to expect, and what to think. To finally get the attention of someone I admired is something that is out of this world. Mind-blowing. Never happened before that I felt so confident and secure.
Maybe at one time, 6 years ago I thought it was going to be the time I find Mr Right.
There is a huge difference between then and now. Back in 2011, it was love. It was wanting him to love and be loved by him. It was full of poisonous daily interactions (even just in Twitter but it really meant a lot). It was ecstacy, when he dedicate a love song to me, plucking the guitar himself. I was drowned in love. Until one day he said he was still in love with his first love, he could never not love her and ask me to pray for their happiness. He wanted to marry her, so much. I was broken, I was tremendously heartbroken I never did trust anyone afterwards. But nonetheless, I did pray for their happiness. They got married in May this year.
But now, 2017, it was not that kind of love. It was not a drug that made me lost. It is admiration. I admire this man. So much I wanted to marry him. He emits powerful aura. And he knows what he did, he speak for things he felt right. I admire him for that. I looked up to him for his bravery. He assume responsibility when his group being treated unjustly. He is one of a kind. He is one in a million.
But I dare not
07/11/20
Seems like the entry just ended there. Well, fast forward now is 3 years later. I didn't marry him. He turned out to be someone who, well, disappoints me in ways that I just couldn't accept so I moved on.
When I think again, if I wasn't too choosy, and if I had lower my pride a little, I would've been married with only God knows how many kids would I have now. But yeah, things happened and I might be kind of unlucky in love. Or I have too much unrealistic fantasy that I will be married to someone that I love and he loves me too. Does that even exists? Can we actually get married to someone we actually fall in love with and magically that someone also falls for us?
Am I that unlucky in love? It always like I don't like the guys who liked me, or the guy I liked doesn't like me back. Or I am too scared to let him know and he end up marrying someone else, or he is too scared to tell me because I might look kind of snobby?
I don't know. It is complicated.
I'll be 30 in 20 days, my job's a joke, my love life's DOA. Thank God so far I am not broke~
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